“As I Stand Here, Reflecting”

If you think you know me

Let me assure you—

You do not

You only know the projection

Of a role I like to play—

Someone I created to be some version,

Of a girl who might have been me

You think you know me

But have you had intimate conversation

With my soul?

Have you peeked inside my mind,

And unfurled the tapestry

Of my secrets?

You claim to know me

But I don’t even know me

Every now and then I get to see her

In my dreams—the girl I might actually be

And she is beautiful

She doesn’t know my world,

And so she is free of its restraints

Her home is between one dream and the next

And she speaks to me only when I’m ready to listen

Unlike me, she is not an illusion

She is the manifestation of who I hope to become

While I am shards of glass,

Still learning to piece myself together

She is the mirror: whole and far from broken

I look at her and I see my potential



Like the drops of dew that

Have come to take residence

On her hollowed cheeks

The raindrops splattering

Over the umbrella of her

Broken thoughts


They sting, and she does nothing

To wipe them away. Instead she

Clutches onto a hope

That the past will be wiped

From her mind,

With the salt of her memories

And the novelty of new pain

That comes in the deluge

From an equally unhappy sky


In my dreams I see the part of my self that wants to get to know 

My self 

I close my eyes and I know my soul without seeing it, without feeling it 

I straddle my own mind, looking in from the outside and occupying the inside when I’ve been 

Shut out

The rest, somehow seems to work for its

Selfish of me to try and pretend that I’m the only one who can 

Play this game. I picture three versions of me and I see them

Through a kaleidoscope so that there’s really 

A thousand of me sitting in the dark, around a poker table, illuminated by one Thought 

And betting on which one of us (me? Them? Her?) 

Is real 

And it’s really not that hard to guess

Not when I (she? They?) 

We look at each other and wait for one 

To make a mistake 

It’s roulette with my own mind as the target 

No matter who I choose I will eliminate 

At least a small part of my self

* * *

In my dreams I sleep with my eyes open 

So that I can catch the sign that will lead me to the next non-reality

I imagine my-self in a labyrinth that is as big as space allows 

And right now, if I can call it now, because of course I am outside the binding hands of time 

This is a maze and 

I’m running through hedges  trying to find the Sphinx who will ask me 

The riddle but 

All I find are mirrors, and in this broken glass 

In this carnival where I’m the only one 

Shooting at plastic toys 

Trying to win-something

In the remains of mirrors I see nothing 

No thing appears above, below, behind, beside or in front of… 

Me?  Can I say me if I don’t see me? 

But I can hear the laughter of the rest of me 

I/they/she/we have/has reached the outside of this cage 

And I/it/she/we

Some fragment of m-e

And who I am/was/will be

Is left standing in the middle 

In this sphere of a labyrinth with no exits, no ends and beginnings it just… 


I lie awake in my dream that isn’t in fact a dream and if I look closely enough I can 

Just make out 

The reflections of two thousand eyes 

Blinking from the depths of shards 

Of broken realities